Nopesport

THOSE OF AN INSULTED NATURE, PLEASE LOOK AWAY NOW. IT MAY WELL OFFEND YOU. IF NOT, PLEASE SCROLL DOWN.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE GBR JWOC TEAM 2004

Liz Bridge - Liz has recently found employment with the 'Multi-Purpose Food Company Ltd'. 'I'm in charge of quality control' bubbles cheeky Liz, juggling two weighty onions in her hands. ' I'm particularly interested in carrots,' giggles the stunner, replacing the onions with a hefty orange specimen. - 'The ideal circumference for this turgid vegetable allows it to sit comfortably in the palm of the hand, encircled by all four fingers... mmm.... tasty....'

Lizzie Adams - Lizzie has recently returned from the Yukon in North Canada, where she has been conducting extensive research on beavers. 'I'm fascinated by beavers, I've even adopted one as a pet' chuckles Lizzie, stroking her fuzzy beaver. 'They're really interesting creatures , preferring secluded moist habitats to protect themselves from invaders; But not my beaver' adds Lizzie - 'My beaver is friendly and likes meeting new people'.

Cerys Manning- How far will one girl go to get to JWOC? Well in Cerys' case it was the Legs 11 Club in Putney, East London. 'Those bastards at the Welsh Sports Association wouldn't give me any funding' fumed the part time exotic dancer. 'Luckily theres heaps of wad to be made off visiting Saudi Oil Barons'. Cerys is using her visit to Poland as a double mission - 'I've heard theres loads of Poles in Poland' says the welsh temptress. 'Should be good for practising my pole dancing techniques'.

Alison O'Neill - Alison is multi talented when it comes to sport. Later this year she'll be heading to Athens, the capital of Turkey, where she'll be going for gold at the Olympics with the GBR 'Spam Javelin' Squad. 'I've been tossing spam javelins for 6 years now' enthuses the cracking meat spear veteran. 'It's all to do with grip and hand eye coordination' blabs Alison. 'Given the right conditions I've been known to toss a 12inch spam javelin over 7 metres.'

Helen Gardner - A graduate of the West Anglian School of Funk, Helen has been funking her way through this years orienteering events in some style. 'There's nothing I like better than funking around' smiles the 18yr old queen of the funkers. 'I've heard that some of these international orienteering guys can funk all night without even breaking sweat. Even if they do stop for a rest, apparently they can be up again and ready to funk up a storm within minutes'. Helen's hoping for great success in Poland. 'With commitment to both funking and orienteering, I've penetrated the upper echelons of British Orienteering' smiles Helen. 'With a little luck and some good runs here in Poland, I might be able to achieve double penetration'.

Mhairi Mackenzie - Since hitting the big time in Orienteering, Mhairi (pronounced 'Mary') has had to quit her part time job as a Zoo Keeper. It's a job that she looks back on fondly. 'I was particularly fond of the Grizzly Bears' remembers Mhairi, with the trace of a tear in the corner of her eye. 'There was one bear in particular who looked particularly fiersome, with sharp claws and bushy fur. We called him 'Growler', but ironically he was very tame and great with visitors. There was always a queue of tourists waiting to have their photo taken playing with my Growler'. However there was a downside to the job, as Mhairi explains - 'If animals misbehaved they sometimes had to be disciplined' moans the Scottish siren; 'I had to spank the monkey at least twice a day'.

Scott Fraser - Midget Scott, commonly mistaken for an elf, is a lot heavier than he looks thanks to his recent bone/steel transplant. 'Despite looking like a flyaway feather, I'm currently waying in at 168.7kg' boasts the Lothian Loverman, 'and it's all down to my stainless steel exo-skeleton'. Designed and implemented by the infamous Dr. Randy Bumhole, Scot's shiny new frame was cast on the forge in a Sheffield steel mill, before being electrically inserted using the power of 10,000 filipino servants riding exercise bikes. X-Man Scott is now a regular powerhouse - 'Let's face it;' says T2000 Fraser, 'Even if my steel structure does affect my compass, I'm so chuffing fast thanks to my subhuman skeleton, it won't even matter if I run off the map'. Rumours regarding an 'Operation Rust' being implemented by the Australian Junior team are currently being investigated by Dr Bumhole.

David Hodkinson - Former British All Cummers 3 Legged Race Champion, 'Hod the Rod' has found his running speed and orienteering results improving greatly since having an operation to remove his abnormally sized appendage. 'Losing that extra 35.4kg has certainly made me more streamlined in the forest' explains David, 'and theres also been a dramatic reduction in whiplash injuries, both to myself and my fellow competitors'. However, losing his defining feature has forced Porn Legend Hod to resort to alternative means of wooing the ladies. 'I'd be lying if I said being hung like a brontosaur wasn't an advantage' muses the Sherwood Showman, 'so luckily I had a few bronze casts made of 'Nessie' to retrieve from the store cupboard in times of need'.

Graham Gristwood - Being selected for his 3rd JWOC has further disrupted Graham's summer touring schedule for his Travelling Magician Act. 'It's a royal pain in the arse' complains the Southern Sorcerer and occasional Maths Buffoon. The self confessed David Blaine of British Orienteering has made a name for himself in the field of 'Disappearing Objects'. 'Roll up, Roll up! It's Golden Graham's Vanishing Act' shouts Graham, making a cucumber disappear. Ping pong balls, wine bottles and small furry animals all proceed to disappear inside Graham. 'Once I get properly loosened up I'll be able to make some even bigger things disappear' exclaims Graham to the rapidly dispersing crowd; 'Bring on the marrow!'

Mark Saunders - 'BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH! BOOSCH!' said Mark yesterday.

Mark Nixon - Since emigrating to Sweden almost a year ago, Mark has become an expert in beating off the stiff foreign oposition. 'I've been getting to grips with the scandinavians recently' comments the southern swordsman. 'I've really been getting a hold of some firm swedish contours, and more often than not striking my target deep inside a bushy cleft.' Mark has great stamina, and prefers it long and hard to short and swift. With plenty of training behind him, he's looking forward to opening his legs and exposing his class to the world this summer. 'Lets hope I can keep it up for the full length' exclaims the X-rated expat.

Dan Halliday - Pop Idol 'Disco Dan' Halliday is renowned for his way with the the opposite sex. In his best selling guide 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Coventry', Dan outlines his methodology to ensnaring 'top notch sheilas'. 'Baby, you 'aint never known how good it feels, to be taken to another world in my luvin arms,' croons the midland macho man, reciting the prose from his sacred tome. 'Let me take you to a restaurant by the riverside. I will by you expensive wine and oysters, followed by luxury ice cream. Only I know how to treat a woman with the respect she deserves, because she is beautiful and heavenly. Then I will walk you home, showing you the sunset from my favourite viewpoint. Only with me will you truly know what it is like to be a princess and a lady', explains the eloquent suitor; 'wanna come for a ride with me?' he adds.

thanks to dover for his beautiful words